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Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get. Marge, it takes two to…

Son, when you participate in sporting events, it’s not whether you win or lose: it’s how drunk you get. Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen. I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here. Here’s to alcohol, the cause of–and solution to–all life’s problems. Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it. Whoa, slow down there, maestro. There’s a *New* Mexico? Marge, don’t discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel. Beer. Now there’s a temporary solution. Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.

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Aaah! Natural light! Get it off me! Get it off me! What good is money if it can’t inspire terror in your fellow man? Well, he’s kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran overActually, replace “accidentally” with “repeatedly” and replace “dog” with “son.” And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker. Oh, boy, sleep! That’s where I’m a Viking! Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absoluWhoa, slow down there, maestro. There’s a *New* Mexico? Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power…like God must feel when he’s holding a gun. his dog. tely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin…but what good does *that* do me?

Oh, boy, sleep! That’s where I’m a Viking! Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absoluWhoa, slow down there, maestro. There’s a *New* Mexico? Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power…like God must feel when he’s holding a gun.

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Aaah! Natural light! Get it off me! Get it off me! What good is money if it can’t inspire terror in your fellow man? Well, he’s kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran overActually, replace “accidentally” with “repeatedly” and replace “dog” with “son.” And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker. Oh, boy, sleep! That’s where I’m a Viking! Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absoluWhoa, slow down there, maestro. There’s a *New* Mexico? Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power…like God must feel when he’s holding a gun. his dog

2013And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker. Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen. Hi. I’m Troy McClure. You may remember me from such self-help tapes as “Smoke Yourself Thin” and “Get Some Confidence, Stupid!” Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers! Your questions have become more redundant and annoying than the last three “Highlander” movies. I’ve had it with this school, Skinner. Low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children… I can’t go to juvie. They use guys like me as currency. I don’t like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing, there’s too many fat children. Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? Why did I have the bowl?

And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker. Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen. Hi. I’m Troy McClure. You may remember me from such self-help tapes as “Smoke Yourself Thin” and “Get Some Confidence, Stupid!” Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers! Your questions have become more redundant and annoying than the last three “Highlander” movies. I’ve had it with this school, Skinner. Low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children… I can’t go to juvie. They use guys like me as currency. I don’t like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing, there’s too many fat children. Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? Why did I have the bowl?

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